


Inner Turmoil

by espurr_roba



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Can be read as extremely platonic or romantic idk, F/M, Identity Reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 14:52:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10993182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espurr_roba/pseuds/espurr_roba
Summary: Marinette finds herself reeling following the discovery of her partner's identity.





	Inner Turmoil

Marinette calmly entered her room, her footsteps creaking robotically as she walked past the hardwood floor.

Without looking away from the nothing she was staring at ahead, she removed her purse and set it gingerly on the desk, not allowing her mind to register the red figure that popped out of the bag in worry.

She continued forward, eyes glazed and movements choppy until she came to a complete stop at the foot of her bed.

Gracefully, she plopped her entire body on the bed in a rigid plank position.

She grabbed a pillow, she held it against her face…

And Marinette began to scream.

She didn't think she had been doing it for so long, but when she felt Tikki’s insistent tappings against her head, she pulled back and noted how the imprint of her face had been practically engraved in the pillow casing.

“Mari _nette!_ ” Tikki exclaimed, like she had been doing several times. “It’s _okay!_ ”

“How?” Marinette shot back, feeling a sudden anger bubbling up in her now that all the screams were out. “ _How, Tikki_ ? How could this _possibly_ be okay?!”

“It just _is!_ ” the kwami insisted. “It’s not the end of the world, Marinette, things like this _happen_.”

“You think this is the kind of thing that was supposed to _happen_ ?!” At this point, Marinette sat up, thrusting a furious finger at the kwami’s tiny body. “It’s not, Tikki! I wasn't _supposed to find out!”_

“And it happened anyway,” Tikki said, keeping her voice leveled and compassionate, and Marinette was finding it really hard to stay mad, if only because it was so hard to be mad at _Tikki_ of all people. “And it’s _fine_. We just need to work around it, but it’ll be _okay.”_

“But—But I…” All that anger started to wash away, replaced with a deep puddle of shame. Her cheeks started to burn, and at last she just bowed her head in resignation, sighing in defeat. “I’m sorry, Tikki. I just…”

The kwami was already there, nuzzling Marinette’s cheek. “Already forgiven, Marinette. I know this must be a lot to accept, I don't blame you.”

“How can I accept that Adrien is Chat Noir?” she muttered softly, more to herself than Tikki.

Why did this have to _happen?_ There were reasons to keep their identities secret from even each other, she worked so hard to preserve that. And there he was, right in the middle of detransforming in an alleyway when she caught sight of him. The cocky, pun loving dork of a partner turning into the love of her life.

She still couldn’t believe it. She _refused_ to believe it. There had to be some explanation, some speculation of what else could’ve happened. Maybe she just imagined it. Maybe, maybe she saw something else, Chat could’ve been someone _other_ than Adrien Agreste, he…

No… As much as Marinette wanted some other conclusion, she couldn’t miss that quick but lasting glimpse of keen, confident eyes transforming into those beautiful green eyes that exuded everloving kindness, both pairs of eyes she had long since etched firmly into her brain.

Marinette groaned. It really was true, then.

Tikki fluttered closer, and when Marinette looked up she was surprised to see a calculating kwami gaze.

“What?” Marinette asked, feeling defensive.

“Are you upset?” the kwami asked simply.

“What?!” she repeated, tone incredulous.

“That it’s him,” Tikki clarified, despite it hardly being a clarification. “That this is who your partner is.”

“I…” Instinctually, she wanted to say yes, because holy _heck_ just _how_ could she even _face_ him now that she knew he was just, just a dork that she was totally in love with and oh _god_ that meant Adrien was a dork and she was in love with Chat Noir and she didn't know how to _feel_ about that.

The logical part of her, the one that was currently being suffocated by her whacked out emotions, wanted to say no. But she couldn't even _convince_ herself of that with how much she was screaming internally.

So naturally, Marinette felt conflicted, and Tikki seemed to pick up on that.

“Oh, Marinette…” Tikki gingerly nuzzled her cheek. “You don't have to figure it out right now.”

Marinette really appreciated it, the fact that Tikki wasn't pushing her for answers, because honestly… “Why did it have to be _him?”_ she sighed.

“These things happen for a reason, Marinette,” Tikki cooed softly. “He is your other half; there’s nothing to worry about.”

The thought of Adrien being her other half should have made Marinette feel warm inside, but all it brought was more sadness.

If she knew he was her other half, then it’d only be fair for him to know that _she_ was _his._ But the mere thought of telling him? It…

It was just out of the question.

Not because she was worried he’d be disappointed! It was just… complicated.

Maybe once a long time ago, she would have been scared to let someone in on her secret because she would’ve been convinced they’d be disappoint it was her; the same point in time when she would’ve been terrified to take up a role as daunting as saving Paris from super villains, because _how_ could someone as klutzy and weak as her ever live up to a role like _that_ ? Who _wouldn’t_ be disappointed?

But the thing was, that was a long time ago. Things were _different_ now _._ Marinette was stronger, had way more confidence in herself, just all around _better_ than she had been before. Of course there were times where she felt doubt, but with friends like Tikki and Alya there for her on one side of the mask or the other, she really did believe that she could do anything, with or without the mask, as class president or as a superheroine.

Honestly, if disappointment had been her only concern, she would have told someone ages ago. If not random strangers, then at least everyone in her class. She had enough faith in her friends that they’d still treat her like they usually would, even after knowing she moonlighted as a spotted icon of justice in her free time. Alya would probably try to snag some extra interviews to keep up blog pretenses but be as supportive as ever, and Nino would probably just take a few moments to be in awe before keeping the mood as light as it had been before. The only one she thought _would_ have their opinion of her change was Chloe, but honestly it wasn't like Marinette _cared_ about her opinion.

No, she knew her friends were trustworthy. But her main concern here was keeping them _safe._ Even if just one person (probably, no, _definitely_ Chloe) let it slip, there’d be no stopping that information from spreading through all of Paris, and Hawk Moth would sure to get wind of it soon after, meaning that he’d set his sights on her civilian form. Now, Marinette was completely and utterly confident that, should Hawk Moth target her specifically, she could handle herself just fine.

But she knew that would put her friends and family in danger. And she would never forgive herself if any of them got hurt because she was stupid enough to let something as huge as a secret identity slip. Her mom, dad, Alya, Nino, Tikki…

...Adrien.

If she hadn't known what she had now, she wouldn’t know what she’d do if her actions resulted in defenseless, innocent Adrien getting harmed, maybe worse. A part of her would die inside if that were the case.

But still… She’d be lying if safety were her _only_ motivation for not telling _Adrien specifically_. With everyone else, it was cut and dry, neatly concluded with a firm “do not tell for their own personal safety”. But with him?

She felt like she had at the very beginning, afraid that he would come to dislike the amalgamation that was Marinette and Ladybug.

And she _knew_ how irrational that was! Logically, there was just too much overlap between her traits in and out of the mask, enough to where, if he knew, it really should not change any opinion of her that much.

But that was the thing. As Adrien, she didn't _know_ what he thought of Ladybug or Marinette. What if revealing herself just put the final nail in the proverbial coffin, that if he didn't love her in the way she loved him, he _never would?_

It hurt just thinking about what he would do if he knew the truth.

So she tried not to think about it, and just put Adrien on the really firm “do not tell because holy crap” list. And for a while, it was easy. There really was no rush to tell anyone her secret, nor any reason to. Besides, she was pretty sure she would have told Chat before any of her classmates regardless, as she knew without a doubt how dependable he was, and that he could protect himself should the need arise.

Even still, everything was fine as it was. No one needed to know.

But that was before _she knew._ Before the entire playing field had changed with the revelation that the person she would most trust with her identity was the same as the person she was the most afraid of finding out. And that _terrified_ her.

It really did make her feel like she was back on that first day, where a mysterious box had been placed in her room and she was suddenly responsible for the lives of millions of people, people who would not only see this newbie as a complete and utter disappointment, but _hate_ her for all the mistakes she was going to make.

Truly, Marinette felt herself to have been hopelessly out of her depth.

“What should I do…” Marinette muttered to herself.

As Tikki was still nuzzling the girl’s cheek, the kwami undoubtedly heard. “You have to tell him,” she whispered softly.

Immediately, Marinette recoiled back, eyes wide with terror. “What?! I-I can’t!”

Ever patient, Tikki just lowered her head. “Oh, Marinette…”

How could she even _think_ that Marinette should do that?! It was, it was just out of the question! “I-I’m serious, Tikki! Do you know how _catastrophic_ it would be if I told him?!”

“Not very, I’d imagine.”

Marinette shot the kwami a glare.

“It’s not going to be the end of the world, Marinette.”

“You don’t know that,” Marinette dismissed. “He’d hate me if I told him I just found out his number one secret.”

“But doesn’t he deserve to know?”

“Later.” The wheels in her mind were already turning with a plan. “If I just become better friends with Adrien in and out of the mask, then when I _do_ tell him it’ll be fine!” A perfect plan!!

Tikki stayed in deliberate silence. After seconds that stretched across years, the kwami sighed, resigned.

“I hope you know what you’re doing, Marinette.”

She wanted to think that she did.

* * *

 

So _maybe_ the plan didn’t exactly go according to plan.

Marinette sort of failed at even talking to the dang boy, but she knew she was close! As soon as she could become better friends with him, she could tell him that she knew his secret, and everything would be cool!

It was _fine_.

Until the realization that it had been a week since she found out crashed down on her, and then things were _not fine_.

Not fine _at all_.

“Whoa, Marinette,” Alya said as Marinette slipped into her seat. “You look like _death_ , girl.”

She felt like death had a chainsaw embedded inside her, so Alya was pretty close.

“What did you _do_ this weekend?” asked the blogger.

_Oh, you know, just agonized all weekend over how I really should've done something to tell Adrien that I know his super secret even though Tikki tells me not to worry about it so I came up with a plan to be a better friend to him because I finally realized that if I’m gonna keep fighting crime with him I can just idolize him over my Agreste shrine how ‘bout you?_ “The usual,” Marinette said instead. “Sewing, bakery stuff, all that jazz.”

“Sounds like the weekend was pretty rough, brah,” said Nino, turning to face the two of them. The seat next to him was, thankfully, empty.

“The bakery always gets busy this time of year, I’m sort of used to it now.” Marinette tried to fake that tiredness away, especially when she realized that Adrien was due to show up any minute now. Also, Alya and Nino were giving her this look like they didn't believe her, so she tried extra hard to wave off their concerns. “I’m fine guys, really.”

Both of them seemed convinced, although Alya took an extra few seconds longer. Maybe she realized how totally weird she was acting whenever Adrien was brought up all week. Now, Marinette knew she was good at keeping secrets, but Alya was good at finding out those secrets. In the end, Alya resigned herself back to her conversation with Nino, and Marinette internally sighed with relief.

If there’s one thing that came out of the whole identity debacle, it’s that Marinette’s newfound knowledge allowed her to… well, _see_ Adrien. Notice more. Be more attentive towards the boy she had already known like the back of her hand when he was clad in leather. It was sobering in a way, just more proof that she never really _knew_ him as Adrien, even more ammo for that guilt that just kept bombarding her no matter how hard she tried to suppress it.

Tikki’s words echoed in her mind.

_You have to tell him_.

Ignoring it was slightly easier when she focused on Adrien, who had just walked through the door not two minutes before class. Had anyone been staring at the door beforehand, they would have noticed for a fraction of a second how that boy had just rushed in, obviously hurrying in an effort not to be late. And yet in just a fraction of a second, he was somehow able to mask that into a casual stance, as if he _wasn't_ just completely and utterly winded. It was so quick, anyone who wasn't looking beforehand would have never noticed. Hell, Marinette was _waiting_ for him to walk in and she still doubted what she saw.

But a single glance at his drooping, _tired_ eyes as he strolled towards his seat just confirmed it. Years of picking up on Chat’s mannerisms finally manifested themselves to apply to Adrien, at least enough to notice that something was _wrong._

“Yo, dude,” Nino greeted him, turning away from his conversation with Alya (whatever _that_ was about, Marinette didn’t know, she hardly bothered to listen) to grin at him. “Nice to see you on time for once.”

Adrien just gave a near effortless chuckle. “Ha, yeah.”

They had their little conversation, and it came as a shock to Marinette that no one, not even Nino noticed there was something up. And that was Nino, his _best friend._

Second only to Marinette, of course.

...No, that wasn't true. She wasn't Adrien’s best friend, she was _Chat’s_. And even then, what kind of friend withholds this _immense_ knowledge, one that he had every _right_ to know. 

_He deserves to know._

She couldn't. Not now, anyway, not here in class. Yeah, who would drop this giant bombshell _moments_ before class even started? That wasn't lying, that was just… waiting for the right moment. Of course it was.

Marinette tried to ignore that feeling again, the feeling that told her exactly how wrong she was being. She could worry about that later.

Right now, Operation: Being a Better Friend was her main priority, and dang it she was going to try her hardest to be the friend he _deserved_.

It was then that class had started, bringing a halt to Adrien and Nino’s conversation as they focused on actually learning.

But to be perfectly honest, Marinette couldn't have focused on her school work if she tried. The teacher’s words just droned on, wordless noise in the back of her mind. Her full attention was on Adrien, and she could feel her brow scrunching up as she tried so desperately to keep mashing the two of his personas together in what could resemble a complete person.

Before she knew it, class was over and lunch had begun. Marinette reluctantly turned to Alya, who she knew would give her an even harder time if she kept staring at Adrien like he killed a bunch of puppies or something.

Turned out she didn't really need to worry about that, as Alya was already busy chattering animatedly with Nino.

“Dude, I hear that place has the _best_ macarons,” Nino said.

Alya nodded eagerly. “Hey, if _Ladybug’s_ been in there, they must be!” Then she paused, giving Marinette a playful grin. “Of course, not any better than little miss bakery girl’s.”

She giggled in spite of herself. “Alya, _I’m_ not the one who makes any of the stuff from the bakery.”

“Tomato, tomahto,” Alya shrugged. “You wanna come with?”

“Nah.” _I’m gonna spy on Adrien during the lunch break because I'm a total freak who won’t tell him the truth. Also you and Nino are so obviously a thing I wouldn’t want to be a third wheel, but I’m mostly saying no ‘cause of the first reason, you understand right?_ “Little miss bakery girl’s gotta help out at her bakery, you know,” Marinette said. It wasn't _technically_ a lie, she _would_ be helping out at the bakery. Just after school, not during lunch.

Alya raised a brow, her deduction look instantly turned on. Marinette hoped that she would just think she was lying to let them have their time as a couple together, but that was dashed when Alya’s gaze flickered near unnoticably at Adrien’s general direction.

Crap. Alya was too smart for her own good.

Marinette found her gaze following to Adrien, and all the nerves from Alya’s wordless interrogation completely washed away when she did.

She was expecting Adrien to be focused on either Nino or Alya, one of the two who were actually sustaining the conversation..

What she _didn't_ expect was for her eyes to _meet his_.

It was quick, lasting for maybe just a fraction of a second, but there was no denying that _moment_ , where he saw her and she saw him. Maybe if that simple thing didn't completely _amaze_ her she would’ve reveled in the fact that they had _shared_ a look without the need for masks.

But that begrudgingly took a backseat in her mind as she focused on the moments _afterwards._

They had a look, that much was certain. But Adrien immediately diverted his gaze, glancing over to Alya who was currently dominating the conversation. And… there was something _off,_ something different that caught her eye, even if she couldn't tell _what._

It was something about the way he held himself. Back straight, shoulders stiff, just a little too attentive. It _seemed_ normal, but she knew it wasn't, and she didn't know why. She didn't understand, it was nothing out of the ordinary with Adrien, but Chat--

...Wait.

Was Adrien… _tensed?_

And… was that because she caught his look?

How long was he _staring?_

It nearly blew her mind, the fact that he was apparently at ease looking at her without her knowing, like he was just totally _relaxed_ when it came to her. But that was _insane!_ It’s not like he ever noticed her before, right? Not as Adrien, at any rate, she’d _know_ if he had started to notice her. As Chat though…

A certain evillustrator debacle immediately crashed into her mind, and Marinette felt her entire face flush.

_Oh god he flirted with me._

She blinked, totally tuned out to the world around her, as she mentally went over that thought again.

_Adrien. As Chat. Flirted with me._

Marinette was glad her entire body just froze, else she probably would have let loose a scream that already filled her brain with the volume of a jet engine.

“You sure, dude?”

Snapping back to reality, Marinette thanked every kwami imaginable that the three of them were focused on each other, no one noticing how incredibly _red_ her face was.

“It’s fine, Nino,” Adrien grinned to the boy, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ve got a photo shoot during lunch anyway, don't worry about me.”

Marinette latched on to that oh so obvious _lie,_ knowing fully well that his photoshoot had been cancelled ( _note to self,_ Marinette thought, **_burn the schedule poster_** ). She could see the way his grin quirked, almost but not quite _there_ , as if he really did want to hang out with them but knew he’d be third wheeling. It’s part of the reason Marinette declined, after all, it wouldn't be a stretch to assume that he thought the same thing.

And then she realized something.

Adrien was planning on spending lunch alone.

Of course, having him alone _was_ the most ideal option for her best friends operation thing, but _Adrien didn't know that_. For all he knew, he had the chance to hang out with his friends, but gave that up so they could go by themselves. As if being a third wheel would mean being a _nuisance,_ which was so totally completely utterly _wrong_.

This boy’s selflessness was going to _kill_ her someday.

Alya and Nino shared a look, and after a moment they stood up. “Alright, see you, dudes,” Nino waved off as he headed out the classroom.

Alya trailed behind a bit, giving Marinette one of her patented knowing looks, and with a very minute smirk said, “Have fun, you two.”

She left before Marinette could even think about resisting the urge for first degree murder.

The last few stragglers finally left the classroom, very _coincidentally_ just as Adrien finished packing up his supplies.

Now or never, Marinette.

As Adrien started to stand, she grabbed his wrist, halting him in his tracks completely. “Hey,” she said, watching him turn to her in what she could only describe as pure _shock_.

Oh god she could feel herself getting cold feet.

“I-I just wanted to, u-um…” she trailed off, mentally berating herself for stuttering. She could talk to _Chat_ just fine, so why was _Adrien_ any different?

No, _no_ stuttering, she _had_ to do this. Steeling herself, she said as clearly as she could, “Are you doing anything for lunch?”

If that was shock before, Adrien looked completely _floored._

_Just ‘cause I talked to him like a normal person? Am I really that bad with the stuttering?_ Marinette noted dryly, slowly retracting her hand. She already missed the contact.

He just kept _staring,_ gaping like a fish.

She couldn't help it, _that_ face, coming from _him,_ it made Marinette giggle in spite of herself.

Seeing his completely unchanged expression tipped Marinette off that laughing at him was _not_ the right way to go about this.

And then, as if she couldn't be any more mortified, Marinette did the unthinkable.

“Cat got your tongue?”

Adrien’s mouth finally closed into a thin line, his eyes not any less widened, and Marinette just froze.

_Any merciful kwami out there please end me now truly this is the worst thing I’ve ever done oh god oh god oH GOD OH_

“I thought you had to help out at your bakery,” Adrien blurted out.

Of all the things she thought he could have _possibly_ said, _that_ wasn't one of them.

So Marinette blinked, and without exactly processing it her next words were, “And I thought you had a photoshoot.” Worst of all, there was a teasing lilt to her voice, and she couldn't stop herself from the banter she’d give him in mask only.

Adrien was silent for another moment, and for a second Marinette thought she might have actually been _wrong_ and he really did have a photoshoot and was trying to find the best way to let her down gently. But no, before that thought could keep going _anywhere_ , he suddenly jolted, like he was just awakened from a daydream.

And, get this, he started to _stammer._

“Oh! Uh, y-yeah, I’m not, I mean, I’m free for lunch, yeah!” His nervousness quickly morphed into a bright, shining grin, just filled to the brim with pure happiness.

Marinette’s heart skipped a beat.

In that moment all she could do was revel in his absolute radiance, the joy that pulsated from him as infectious as can be.

“Great!” Marinette chirped, feeling the corners of her lips turn in spite of any guilt. “I know this cafe nearby that’s really good.”

* * *

If you had told Marinette a week ago that she’d be sitting alone with Adrien Agreste at a cafe where in a stunning turn of events _he_ was the nervous one out of the duo, she would immediately try and see if you were from an alternate reality due to an akuma’s influence because that would so not happen in _this world._

So it felt completely alien to her that she was actually witnessing Adrien trying to make _really_ awkward small talk, always seeming to punctuate every attempt with a nervous rub of the back of his neck. It was so foreign coming from Adrien _and_ Chat.

Of course, it’s not like Marinette was faring any better. How exactly was she even supposed to respond to stuff like “so yeah that test was really hard right” or “wow this tea’s really good yeah” or even the _painfully generic_ “nice weather we’re having huh”?

Still though, when faced with the long beats of silence that followed, at least Marinette wasn't looking like she was about to melt underneath the suffocating air around them.

But she wasn't far from it though.

Maybe this wasn't really the best idea.

As Marinette took a sip of her tea to try and get the rising heat from her face to cool down, she suddenly heard Adrien speak. “Why didn't you want to hang out with Alya and Nino?”

She nearly choked on her drink, definitely _not_ expecting something so blunt. Setting her cup down, she stared at him. “Why do you want to know?” she countered, obviously deflecting. But what was she supposed to say? _Oh no reason, it’s just that I wanted you all for myself Hottie McHotStuff, although I probably shouldn't say that unless you like being called Hot Stuff, but what do I know you run around Paris in a leather cat suit also by the way I’m really Ladybug but I’m not telling you about that even though I know you’re Chat how ‘bout you?_

Weird how her thoughts always ended up there.

Adrien stared down as his cup of tea, shrugging lamely.

Something about the subtlety about him, the faint _look_ he had as he focused his attention solely on his tea, piqued her curiosity. “Why?” she asked again, this time a lot softer.

“I dunno, I guess I just thought…” His eyes flickered up to hers. “That you’d prefer to hang out with them more?”

“Why would you think _that?!”_ she spluttered, unable to keep the sheer confusion out of her voice.

It must’ve startled him, how vehement she must have sounded, as he sort of shrank back into his seat, suddenly seeming much smaller than in either of his personas. “It’s just… they’re always so much fun to be around, and they’re just so good at what they do.”

He sighed, a weary, wistful, far off sigh that reminded her too much of the time when they trained for the gaming tournament.

“Why would you want to hang out with boring old Adrien?” he chuckled, his efforts to brush his words off casually utterly failing.

_I’m nothing compared to you,_ he had once said, and it caused her to really notice his words in a new light.

She stared at him, wanting so desperately to just shake him and tell him no, he was so much _more_ than that! That he wasn’t just some boring old classmate, he was _Adrien_ , the kindest person there was who could make anyone feel like they were _worth something_ , he was _Chat_ , her sole partner and confidant and without him Paris wouldn't last five minutes without his undying devotion and passion to the city he loved!

It pained her to realize that she _couldn't_ say any of that, that her dedication to her _stupid_ secret kept her from being able to pour out all of her heart's content, and she _knew_ that this hesitation stretched much farther than that in the most frustratingly conflicting ways possible. She could tell him, he _deserved_ to know and she wanted so desperately to just be _there_ for him with or without the mask, but he didn't _deserve_ to have it all dumped on him like that oh god what if he just hated her because she was Ladybug and that somehow just meant she was _more_ important than him to him, what kind of friend would that make her?!?

Marinette, so _so_ used to acting with her head in any other given situation, forced those completely jumbled ideas to the side, because right now this wasn't a matter of masks, this was _Marinette_ with _Adrien_ , and she intended to make that clear.

“Adrien…” She leaned forward a bit, meeting his gaze, and where her words said one thing her eyes tried so desperately to communicate more.

_I care_ so much _about you._

“You’re my _friend_. Of course I want to hang out with you.”

_I want to be with you._

“You’re _amazing._ ”

_You’re worth the_ **_world_ ** _to me._

He stared at her, mouth barely agape as if he couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth.

Honestly, Marinette couldn't either.

After a moment that lasted far too short for her liking, Adrien glanced down, giving his drink a look that she couldn’t quite discern.

Her vehemence started to fizzle out, and she found herself staring down at her own tea, trying to make some sense of the jumbled thoughts in her head that came back full force, all leading to one conclusion.

_Tell him._

She needed to weigh the pros and cons for this, that was a good start. She needed to figure out whether telling him or not would be better for _him._ Not for her. She couldn't do this for the sake of her own conscious, that wasn't _right_.

Think, Marinette, what would happen if she _did_ tell him?

 

Pro: Telling him would mean no more secrets, whoo! 

Con: But that would mean revealing how she purposefully _kept_ this from him far longer than it should’ve been necessary.

 

Pro: But Adrien was the most understanding person she knew; surely he’d forgive her for keeping this from him, right?

Con: He’d see how much of a hypocritical super _liar_ she was, and he’d so rightfully come to the conclusion that he’d be much better off without her.

 

Pro: But telling him would mean no more secrets, building their trust!

Con: She had already - and still was - breaking that trust.

 

Pro: It’d make coordinating classroom escapes so much better, allowing them to efficiently get to any akuma battles quicker!

Con: They wouldn't be as in sync as they would have been before; she had _broken_ his trust! How could she even _think_ about putting akuma battle productivity before that?!

 

Pro: He had always wanted to tell her, right? Who he was behind the mask? This just made things so much simpler!

Con:  Yet entirely intrusive. It was never her secret to find out.

 

Pro: She could be _there_ for him, mask or not.

Con: Would he _want_ her there?

 

Obviously there were _quite_ a lot of flaws with telling him. But… what if she _didn't_?  

She could feel her conscious screeching at her, telling her _no, you have to tell him, he_ **_deserves_ ** _to know!_ , but Marinette knew there was no harm in just debating over a decision as _hypothetical_ as that, right?

 

Pro: Not telling him would mean they could just keep going like they normally would, blissfully ignorant.

Con: But what kind of person would that make her? Someone who just disregards her entire moral code, making her one of those super liars she so hypocritically _hated_ , all while violating her partner’s privacy, and having the _nerve_ to deny him of what he deserved to know?

 

Pro: But he’d be _happy._

Con: But he’d find out eventually. And then he wouldn't be. He’d be _crushed._

 

Pro: It’d be better for him to find out on his own rather than have her tell him.

Con: it really, really wouldn't.

 

Pro: It’s not like he’d _need_ her.

Con: But she needed him.

 

Pro: Maybe he wouldn't hate her.

Con: She was so, _so_ afraid that he would.

 

“So…” said Adrien suddenly, and never had Marinette ever been so thankful to have been jolted out of her quickly deepening thoughts.

He rested his arms on the table, his casual stance so genuine and so _interested_ , as though all the awkwardness just washed off of him, like he was _enjoying_ himself. “What do you think about Chat Noir?”

She had to admit, that subtle but definitely shit-eating smirk really was infectious enough for Marinette to push aside all her worries in favor of thinking _oh you think you’re so clever kitty._

“What do I think about him?” She hummed, making an exaggerated effort to think about it, finger tapping her chin and all. “I think he’s a real dork,” she said, a playful tone to her voice.

He must have picked up on that, because his reaction seemed to be amused curiosity rather than any sort of disappointment. “Oh?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “Completely, utterly dorkish. Biggest dork I’ve ever met.”

“Haven't you only met him like, twice?”

_You_ know _I haven't_.

Instead, Marinette chuckled. “Yeah, but only dorks actually call out when they do a barrel roll.”

“Hey, I hear his fans _love_ his barrel rolls,” he winked, and honestly she wasn't sure if he even meant that to be an innuendo or not but regardless that didn't really make sense in the first place.

“Oh yeah, of course,” she drawled out, “I’m sure that’s what all his fan girls like about him the most.”

“Fan girls aren't always so easy to deal with,” he mumbled, and she just gave him a few seconds to realize his mistake. “...I mean, I can relate, you know? Even though Chat Noir’s got _way_ more fan girls than me.”

“I bet,” she teased. “Must be hard, having so many fan girls constantly on your heels.”

She meant for it to be in a joking way, but from the way Adrien awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck he must have taken it to be somewhat serious. “Yeah, sometimes. I mean, it’s not _bad_ or anything, but sometimes it’s a little too much, you know? It’s kind of why I haven’t been doing autographs lately...”

Marinette nodded. She could relate, what with how people would always swamp her as Ladybug, just standing next to the paparazzi, asking if she could sign their pens when she was very obviously on a miraculous timer each and every time.

It was a little disheartening to really know how Chat would get far less people clamoring for autographs than Adrien despite the fact that Chat was just as vital if not moreso than Ladybug. Though it probably would’ve been some sort of relief to him, now that she thought about it.

Adrien sort of trailed off before shaking his head, as if to physically dispel the whole autograph conversation away. “So, Chat?” he prompted.

Marinette chuckled. “Let’s face it, Chat’s a huge dork, but he’s the coolest dork I've ever met.”

She could see him perk up at that as she took a sip of her tea, also noting that… oh gosh was he _blushing_? “O-oh?” he stammered. “Really?”

Marinette nodded, feeling the soft smile on her lips. “Definitely,” she said, with absolute conviction.

And they kept talking about _everything_ , and Marinette was so _so_ grateful for that, that they were having an actual _conversation_ , that they could just comfortably talk about school and their friends and their lives, it just made her so _happy_ that she could talk to him as Marinette, and that he was actually _enjoying_ her company. It was like she was on cloud nine here.

After a while, she found herself saying, as casual as can be, “So, what do you think about Ladybug?”

…

Oh goddammit she was singlehandedly ruining _everything,_ asking this felt so indulging it was just _wrong._

As Marinette continued to burn her soul from the inside out, Adrien seemed to perk up at that. “Ladybug?”

“Y-yeah,” she nodded, amazing herself with her ability to dig even deeper holes for herself. “I mean, she does the whole saving the world thing too, but Chat’s _way_ cooler than her, and I mean I'm just curious?”

Ugh, she was _so close_ to keeping up an actually normal conversation and she could just feel herself retreating back into her stuttering cove.

“Why would Chat be any better than Ladybug?” he asked suddenly. “Ladybug’s so _cool_.”

Wait, what?

“I–what?” said Marinette in her astounding display of coherence. “Ladybug couldn't do half the things she does without Chat Noir.”

“But Ladybug’s the only one who can cure everything,” he countered. “And she’s always the one coming up with the plans, Chat just follows along.”

She gaped at him. _How_ could he even _think_ of himself as any less that her? Couldn’t he see how _amazing_ he was?

“That’s so _wrong_ ,” Marinette said. “They’re a _team_ , and Ladybug doesn't even _appreciate_ that!”

Adrien opened his mouth to speak, but Marinette was _not at all_ done here, she was gonna make her point. “She always leaves Chat behind when she always _always_ needs him! She’s always saying how much she hates liars and then she just turns around and lies to the people she knows because of safety when really they’re in _more_ danger, not to mention how she’s actually _caused_ a lot of akumas to even get evilized! Without Chat Noir, Ladybug’s just _useless!_ ”

“Marinette.”

Something about his voice snapped her out of her tirade, and it’s only now that she noticed how heavy her breath had gotten and how flushed her face felt. But really, all that took a backseat to _him._

He was staring at her, so _so_ intently with _so much_ of an indiscernible expression that it was enough to just _stop_ her.

“Ladybug is _not_ useless,” he said, and _what_ was that emotion? Anger? Disappointment? ...No, there _wasn’t._ It was nothing but firm, unwavering belief. “She’s _amazing_.”

It came to her with a start to realize that, for all he knew, she was badmouthing a person totally different from herself. Whereas with the topic of Chat, she _knew_ he was talking about himself, and she couldn't get mad at him in Chat’s defense for how he felt about himself, because _he was Chat._

But _he didn't know she was Ladybug._ To him, she was completely trashing on someone he held dear to him, why _wouldn't_ he jump to her defense?

Marinette felt a wave of remorse wash over her. All she could say was a mumbled “S-Sorry,” as she shrank back into her seat in shame.

He didn't say anything, and Marinette risked a glance up a few moments later.

Adrien was staring down at his drink, deflated from his firm stance seconds before. There was a distinct look of guilt plastered on his face.

She somehow knew that wasn't from his own opinion.

The air around them became _suffocating,_ and Marinette _had_ to fix that, she couldn't stand for it to get in the way of their friendship.

If she could even call it that.

“What do you like about her so much?” she asked sincerely, and it really was an honest question, she genuinely was curious.

He didn't look up from his drink. “What’s there _not_ to like?” he said, the tenderness in his voice simultaneously swelling her heart and tearing it apart. “She’s so… _amazing._ ”

_No, she wasn't._

“She’s strong enough to face anything, y’know? Ladybug will take on anything to protect people, she’s a real hero.”

_Yeah, Antibug begs to differ._

“She’s always got a plan, and usually they never fail, no matter how insane they are, but she just makes them _work._ And she’s always so level headed, she knows _exactly_ what needs to be done, and she always helps people in need, no matter what.”

“I just… I really admire her,” he admitted, and at that his tone went from enthusiastic belief to more subdued but just as meaningful, just all around _warmer._ “Ladybug inspires me to be as brave as her.”

He clutched his mug tighter, lost in his recollections, and there’s a feeling to his body language and his words that made Marinette’s heart splutter to a stop. “She’s everything I want to be. She’s… _everything_ to me.”

...everything he wanted to be.

This should’ve put her over the moon, she should've been _ecstatic_ to find out how much he cared about her, but…

...But _none_ of that was _her._

There were many things about Marinette that she knew were just as prominent as the things about Ladybug were, she _knew_ that there was a lot of good from both her personas.

But, but that was the thing. There were bad things too, and all he could think about was what made Ladybug perfect, not what made Ladybug, well… _her._

He just… he couldn't be _serious,_ could he? How could he be _that_ devoted to someone like her?

...But one look at his face, lost in a world of warm and gooey feelings, she was faced with a depressing conclusion.

 

Pro: He loved her.

Con: But not all of her.

 

She had the strong desire to just screw it all, to just _tell him,_ because as far as she was concerned right now in the heat of the moment it’d be monumentally better to just show him how deluded he was thinking. She’d rather him know how completely inadequate she really was than just let him continue on in his ignorance just for her own self satisfaction.

Marinette reached out to him, to have something _tangible_ to just work off of, hesitating for only a fraction of a moment.

That microsecond of hesitation was costly.

**_CRASH._ **

She shot up from her seat, yanking her hand away as if from a hot iron stove. From the corner of her eye she could see Adrien up on his feet, staring towards the broken tables on the other side of the cafe.

“Is that—” Adrien started.

“An Akuma!” Marinette gasped.

From the pile of ruined decor stood an imposing figure. Or, well, floating. Lanky, lean, and _totally stylish._

“Aaaadrien,” cooed the Akumatized man. “Wherever would my star model be?”

She heard Adrien’s soft gasp. “My photographer.”

There was really only one thing that came to her mind, oddly enough. “I thought you said you didn't have a photoshoot today,” Marinette said in a frantic, hushed tone, snapping her head to him.

“I don’t!” he insisted, hands thrown up defensively. “I-I mean, I _didn't_ , it was _cancelled_ ,  I…”

Marinette snapped her head to the akuma, who was just throwing around booths and chairs everywhere. It was miraculous that he hadn't spotted them yet. “Looks like he didn't get the memo,” she murmurred.

“I know you’re here,” chuckled the akuma darkly, _dangerously._ “ _Adrien…_ ”

Marinette snapped into action.

In a flash, she grabbed Adrien’s wrist and bolted down the hallway, weaving them expertly around broken chairs and scattered debris. She vaguely noted how little resistance there was, suggesting that he was following her every step as lithe as possible, but there really was no time to _think_ , just _do._

The only thing that occupied her mind was that the akuma wanted _Adrien_. And if he got Adrien, that would mean no _Chat Noir_.

And if there was one thing she knew without any shadow of a doubt, it’s that she couldn't do this without him.

They turned a corner, narrowly avoid the chair that was very purposely thrown their way, and Marinette internally cursed. Crap crap crap _crap_ he was gonna get caught, he _couldn't_ get caught, oh jeez where was that Ladybug good luck when she needed it?

Apparently it was long gone, as they skidded to a stop at a dead end, their only other chances of escape being the single bathroom door. And from the looks of it, she couldn't expect it to have any large windows like the ones at school to escape through, much less having enough time to even _make_ an escape.

“We’re _trapped_ ,” he said, voice soft and heavy and _scared._

She turned back to the way they came, hoping that maybe, just _maybe_ they could make it out and find another way to go, but that was entirely dashed when the akuma floated into view at the end of the hallway, donning a malicious smile at the sight of his prey.

No, escape didn't matter. All that matter was getting Adrien someplace _safe_ , even if that just meant giving him a safe place to transform.

“Adrien,” she said, carefully and concisely, eyes locked onto the akuma, steeling herself and standing tall to face what she _knew_ she had to. “You have to get out of here.”

“What?!” She could hear the utter disbelief in his voice, and she could feel the hand gingerly yet firmly trying to tug her through the bathroom door. “Marinette, _no!_ I’m not leaving you behind!”

“You have to _,_ ” she insisted, trying so _so_ hard to keep her breath even, even in the face of very real danger.

“I can’t! I _won't!_ ”

Marinette whirled on her feet, throwing her hands onto both of Adrien’s shoulders with an iron-clad grip. She stared right into his eyes, making the monumental effort to communicate each and every nuance she felt for him, trying _so hard_ to break down her walls and have him see everything for what she was. She _needed_ to show him that vulnerability, she _needed_ him to **_see her._ **

_“Adrien_.”

_Chat._

_“You_ **_need_ ** _to trust me.”_

_You deserve_ **_so much_ ** _better than me._

Her words said one thing, and her eyes might as well have said the same.

Adrien just _stare_ _d_ at her, whether it be in awe or in worry or in fear, she didn't know and she didn't _care._ After what felt like eons, his lips pursed into a thin line, and he gave her a determined nod before rushing into the bathroom.

The moment the door clicked shut was the moment all bravado left her, and Marinette just felt so _tired._

She turned cautiously, not at all surprised with how _close_ the akuma had gotten. He stood mere feet away from her, staring her down like the depowered, physically vulnerable superhero she was.

“Move away, child,” he warned. “I have no qualms with you.”

“You sure about that?” she said, mustering up the receding bravado for Adrien’s sake. She even pulled off a smirk.

He seemed perplexed, enough to where he wasn't just brute forcing his way past her. She knew just talking with him wouldn't buy Adrien the time that he needed, not to mention how _suspicious_ it’d seem if Chat Noir were to come out the same room Afrien had went in, right in front of the akuma.

She needed to _lure_ him away.

“Because I happen to know where to find Chat Noir’s Miraculous,” Marinette said, standing defiantly. It was a huge gamble, and she _knew_ Adrien must’ve been having a heart attack on the other side of the door, but it was the _only_ way to give the akuma enough incentive. “I know _exactl_ y where it is.”

The akuma’s eyes widened, and he quickly gave an analytical glance at the bathroom door. He must have been weighing his options; either fulfill his own goal of getting Adrien, or follow Hawk Moth’s goal to obtain the miraculous.

At the sight of the faint, purple glow outlining his face, the answer was obvious. “...You have it,” said the akuma, making the very wrong yet entirely predictable assumption. “Give it to me.”

“You want it…” Marinette planted her feet steady, smirking defiantly. “Come and _get it!_ ”

In an instant, Marinette deftly sped passed the akuma, feeling the satisfaction, relief, fear, and determination as she saw him take chase after her, away from Adrien.

She skidded round the corner, just shy of performing some serious hardcore parkour, and leapt behind a fallen table in the otherwise roomy room. A blast of _something_ that hit the wall only a few feet away nearly caused her to yelp in surprise.

Okay, okay Marinette, _think._ What was his power? What could those blasts do that were either a lucky break or spelled serious disaster.

“Come out, come out wherever you are,” the akuma cooed as Marinette kept her mind firmly on figuring out his special ability. “Photo Finish wants the Miraculous already.”

But _that_ caused Marinette to just pause.

_Holy crap these names are getting lamer and lamer_ , she silently snorted.

Suddenly, the table tremored with a blast, and Marinette gasped, belatedly realizing her error as she threw her hands over her mouth.

Everything was silent.

Marinette was sweating.

Nothing was happening.

Slowly, Marinette lowered her hands, wondering if maybe he really _didn't_ hear h—

“FOUND YOU.”

The akuma was fast, leaning his head over above the table as he shot a magic blast.

Luckily, Marinette was faster.

She just narrowly avoided the blast, launching herself away from him, tucking and rolling behind anything that could provide some cover. When she made it behind a scattered array of turned over tables that would allow her a few moments of breathing room as the Akuma started searching, Marinette surveyed her surroundings.

Forks and chairs and dinner platters were scattered on the ground. The forks would provide a good close range weapon, but she was definitely _not_ about to get anywhere close to Photo Finish depowered, especially if he realized she actually didn't have Chat’s Miraculous. Chairs could provide a good obstacle, if the akuma wasn't y’know, _floating._

The dinner platters were her only real hope, at least to deflect any of those magic blasts.

She picked one up, sufficiently protected as she shuffled along the barrier of tables. When she glanced over past the edge of the table, her heart nearly stopped when she saw a humanoid figure _right in front of her._

Upon realizing that this wasn’t Photo Finish but rather one of the cafe waiters, Marinette wondered why on Earth was he just _standing_ there. The waiter seemed frozen, as if in mid walk, his face in a perpetual gaze of shock. Despite the spontaneity of it, his pose seemed to radiate a sort of professionalism to it, as if he were molded into the perfect pose.

She quickly threw herself back behind the table, putting the facts together in her head.

So this was Photo Finish’s power. The ability to freeze anyone in their place. A power like that in the hands of someone obsessed with taking the perfect photo with no regard for his model’s feelings was definitely a recipe for disaster.

Her musings were cut off by another blast shaking the table she hid behind. No time to think about that now. If she didn't move, she’d end up just like those waiters.

She sprinted out of her hiding place, keeping the platter centered as a makeshift shield. Even with this makeshift protection, she could _feel_ those blasts make more shots on her shield that she’d liked, and even as she sprinted from the lobby to the kitchen she was already formulating her plan.

First step: Escape.

Second step: Transform and come back.

As long as she could keep her identity safe from Hawk Moth, Marinette could still come in and Ladybug this thing over with. But for Ladybug to do her Lucky Charm shtick, Marinette needed to be “safe”.

So if she could’ve just found a door by now, that would’ve been great.

The front door was, obviously, a no go. Photo Finish would see that coming a mile away, and no amount of dinner platters would save her then.

There had to be a back door somewhere, one that would significantly increase her odds of slipping away from the akuma altogether. And where there’s a kitchen, there was an exit.

“Ma cherie,” cooed Photo Finish, his rapid succession of blasts hitting her shield so much she could only attribute her survival to her Ladybug luck. “Why must you make things so difficult? I just want that ring and my star model. With those, _I’ll_ be a star!”

“He’s not _your_ anything!” Marinette growled back, that surge of protectiveness bubbling back up for her partner. “Why do you know even _care_ so much? Adrien did _nothing_ to you!”

The akuma tsked, waggling a finger. “Now, now, sacrifices must be made for the greater good, child. Once Adrien is mine, I’ll have the _entire_ photography world under my thumb! Ohohohoho!!”

Marinette tried _really_ hard to keep her fury in check. She knew this guy was just another one of Hawk Moth’s victims, forced to say things he would never mean.

But gosh dang it to heck he was making it really hard for Marinette to resist just jabbing a fork in his eye.

Her eyes flickered over to the door she had been stumbling back to. _Jackpot._

“You’re _never_ getting to Adrien,” Marinette said resolutely, taking a calculated step back. “ _And you're not getting this Miraculous!_ ”

Marinette threw the door open.

...and paled when she saw the tiny closet of stored ingredients.

No no no no nonono _nono_ ** _noNONONO_ **

This wasn't happening, _this wasn't happening._

That was the _only_ door, that should’ve been the _only_ exit, but, but it _wasn't_ and there _were_ no exits and she was _cornered and and and_

“Seems like I’ve got you now, child,” said Photo Finish in a voice that sound _way too close._

Marinette swivelled around, brandishing her dinner platter only for it to be knocked aside by the akuma, who stood a mere foot in front of her.

It took every ounce of her soul to not start hyperventilating right then and there, so overloaded with the crushing realization that there was _nothing_ she could do that she probably would have given up right then and there. But the thought of her kindhearted classmate and her ever supportive partner being left to fend for himself because she was weak was was ultimately kept her going.

She took in a sharp breath, planting her feet and poising herself in a battle ready stance, even if she wasn't ready to battle for long. She’d do all that she could for the boy she loved, even if he couldn't know it.

The akuma readied his photo beam.

And fired.

The next thing she knew her face was smothered in leather as she was suddenly carried out of the kitchen by a very familiar body.

Civilian instincts kicked in as she found herself grasping around his neck, fingers lacing through wild fluffs of hair, hanging on for dear life.

The blur of soft, ambient cafe lobby colors changed into the bright yellows and blues of noon outside. It wasn't until they reached the park that she felt herself slow down.

“C-Chat Noir,” Marinette stammered, breath still gone from how fast they went. She took a few moments more than necessary when she let go of her embrace. (she _really_ missed the contact then)

“Marinette,” he exhaled, like he had finally needed to take a breath. He gave her this look of concern with those brilliant green eyes that frankly left her spellbound. “Are you okay? Nothing broken?”

It was so odd, this being the first time she saw him as Chat after she found out his identity. She really expected it to be as trippy as when she saw him as Adrien, but this…

It was trippy in like, a different way.

In Adrien, she could see all those subtle, mischievous Chat mannerisms that were always there, that she could just never _see._

But the only real difference here was a sincere care for _her_. And it, it wasn't subtle. It was as subtle as brick. It was _there,_ it was _always_ there. Why had she never _seen it??_

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine,” she answered after a while, still staring into his eyes. The sounds coming in the lobby snapped her out of her trance, and she was reminded of the regrettably harsh reality. “The akuma… He’s still there.”

“Yeah,” he groaned, grasping for his baton but hesitating to actually move. “I should go… Will you be… I mean, are you going to be okay?” His eyes flickered back towards her, the hesitance on whether or not to stay with her or go take care of the akuma evident as broad daylight.

Marinette gave him a warm smile. “I’ll be fine, trust me.”

He held her gaze for a moment too long, but before Marinette could speculate on any meaning he gave her a determined nod. “Alright, stay safe.”

He turned to run back into the cafe, but he didn't even make it a few steps before he slowed to a stop. Back turned and face obscured, he said, “And, um…”

Chat turned his head, giving her a real smile. “Thanks, Marinette.”

Marinette found herself at a true loss for words. “I…”

Another noise rang out from the cafe, prompting Chat to break their mutual gaze and head right into the fray, leaving Marinette alone in the park.

Alone with her kwami, of course.

“What do you think, Tikki?” Marinette murmured, eyes locked onto the cafe in the distance.

“About what?” asked the quantic god.

“Am I doing the right thing here?” she asked somberly. “Is it… okay for me to let him think I don't know his identity, so I can still be what makes him happy like that?”

Tikki was silent for a moment. “That’s not an easy thing to answer.”

“I know…” Marinette sighed. She knew in her head that telling him would be the right thing to do for him, and she knew in her heart that she would do all that she could for him.

But she knew in her head that he might never forgive her for going behind his back like that, and she knew in her heart he couldn't accept her if he knew the truth.

It was _easier_ before all of this. She had been content to just be there for him from afar, even if it meant sacrificing her own happiness and desire to be there _with him._ But this was _now,_ and Marinette just _didn't know what to do._

A soft little kwami paw snapped Marinette out of her inner turmoil. “There’s no use in worrying about it right now. We’ve got an akuma to save!”

Marinette nodded. “You’re right, Tikki.”

“Just say the words!”

“Tikki, _spots on!_ ”

* * *

 

Marinette collapsed in her bed, the physical and emotional toll of the day taking its, well, toll. With school, and the akuma, and _more school_ , all of it being within close proximity of that dumb model cat boy who kept making her heart and head hurt, Marinette just felt like taking an eighty year nap or something.

“Cheer up, Marinette!” Tikki tried. “At least you weren't a stammering mess for most of the day!”

Marinette groaned into her pillow. “Tiiiikkiiii…”

The little kwami giggled, and Marinette _knew_ it was forced. “But really, though! If you think about it, nothing bad actually happened because of this! You handled it as well as you could!”

“Tikki, I really don't need this right now,” Marinette said bluntly, too emotionally drained for any false praise. She turned her back to the kwami, lying uncomfortably on her side. “I just want to forget this even happened, okay? Can’t I at least _try_ to do that?”

Tikki was silent and already Marinette was regretting lashing out at her companion. She knew Tikki was only trying to help, and some part of her really did appreciate that at least she had a sole confidant and friend in this.

But dang it she was just so _tired_ of this, she wanted nothing more than to just curl up asleep and forget this whole situation for at least a few hours.

The silence stretched painfully until Tikki’s soft voice spoke up. “I know you need this, Marinette. I understand it’s a lot to handle and it’s just overwhelming, and I know you need a break from this. But I also know that the longer you prolong this, the worse off you’ll feel.”

Marinette chose not to respond.

“You don’t have to deal with this right now,” Tikki reassured. “No one could expect you to. But just know that I’ll be here for you, whenever you're ready.”

As much as the prospect of sleeping her problems away seemed all the more enticing, something about Tikki’s invitation gave her pause. Marinette raised her head, and she was met with an almost neutral gaze. The only emotion she could discern from the kwami’s expression and the ever so slight cock of her bulbous head was support. Support and an invitation.

Marinette found herself staring at the kwami for several long moments.

“I don’t know what to do,” she blurted out.

“That’s understandable.”

“I just…” Marinette ran her fingers through her hair. “This could be a disaster.”

“It’s certainly a possibility,” admitted the kwami with a careful choice of words. “But I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“Tikki, I am _beyond_ worried right now.”

“Fair point.”

“What if he hates me?” Marinette said miserably, voicing out all the concerns she had during the week in just five words. “Tikki, I… I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t apart of my life.”

Tikki didn’t respond.

“He’s… He means so much to me, Tikki. I don’t want to lose him.”

“How devoted are you to him?” asked Tikki suddenly. Her eyes snapped towards Marinette’s, irises alighted with fire.

“What?”

“You’d do anything for him, right?”

Marinette blinked, unsure of where this was heading. “I...of course. He’s my partner. Are-Are you saying that’s wrong?”

“Of course not, Marinette. But think about what you’re saying here. Ladybug and Chat Noir are all about balance. To stray too far from that is in itself a recipe for disaster.”

“I’m… not following.”

“It’s commendable that you’re still devoted to him even in the face of a revelation like this. But if you don’t keep that devotion in moderation, you’ll end up putting his needs over your own.”

Marinette couldn't believe what the kwami was saying. In just an instant, Tikki had gone from supportive to firm and adamant. “What’s so wrong with that?!” Marinette fumed incredulously.

“Marinette, just look at yourself! You’ve spent the past week agonizing over nothing but him, and the last _year_ obsessing over him! This isn’t good for you.”

“So, what? Are you saying that I should just-just stop caring about him?!”

“I’m saying that you should keep things in moderation! And if that means putting yourself over him, then so be it!”

“But--But I’m his _partner!_ I want to be there for him!”

“That’s not your job, Marinette.”

“He _deserves_ to be happy!”

“Even at the cost of your own happiness?”

Marinette didn't have an answer for that, not right away. Everything inside of her screamed at her to say _‘Yes! I’d trade my happiness a thousand times over for him!’_ , but the rational, logical, always right when it really mattered part of her brain knew this was a heavy question. If it came down to it, and Marinette had to choose to make her life miserable for Adrien’s own happiness, what exactly would that entail? She tried imagining a life where she was so devoted to him that it left her without the warmth of her parents, who would always pull her into one of those big family hugs, the scent of pastries and dough ever familiar and never once getting old. She tried imagining a life without Alya, who was always there for her at any time, any place, whose absolute devotion to the Ladyblog and her passion was always so inspiring to Marinette, who would never once leave without her by her side. A life without Tikki, a life without Nino, a life without even _Chloe_ , a life without Ad.. _._

A life without Adrien. A life without Chat Noir.

...A life without anyone.

She failed at imagining even that, it was a scenario that was completely alien to her.

It was a life she didn't want.

But it was a life that Adrien already had.

And it was a life that he didn't deserve.

She felt herself boiling in anger for Adrien’s sake, cursing at whatever quantic god out there that decided to give such an amazing person a bleak, hopeless, lonely life.

Marinette opened her mouth to finally give Tikki the answer she was firmly resolute on when a loud _THUMP_ on the balcony jolted her to attention.

A look through the rain streaked window revealed a pair of familiar black boots standing by the railing.

A brief moment of panic flashed through her, and Marinette fumbled to open her purse’s clasp so that Tikki could hide inside. By the flash of red that disappeared into the fabric, Marinette took that as a sign that she could breathe now.

Taking a precious moment to steady herself, Marinette opened the balcony hatch, getting a face full of soggy wetness as she stared at the figure leaning against the railing. His back faced toward her, arched as his arms lied crossed against the banister. Light glistened off of him as the droplets of rain slid smoothly down his suit. His hair was matted, probably an indication of how much time he had spent outside already. His tail was swishing idly, but years of watching her partner allowed her to identify that as his ‘thinking tail swish’. He must’ve been lost in thought, as the pointed ears adorned on his head had yet to react to her entrance, even though she knew the trapdoor was plenty loud as it was.

She allowed herself to spend a few moments more just staring at him, at the boy who wasn't flirting his butt off or doing his hardest to protect the lives of citizens or posing for the camera or even keeping up pretenses for something he didn’t even want.

He was just… being. Existing.

It really put a wrench in her thoughts. She was close to if not ready to reconcile the notion that Adrien was Chat Noir and Chat Noir was Adrien, but now that she was in the presence of someone who fit none of the preconceived notions she had of both personas…

Her brain was hurting all over again.

She really felt like sleeping her problems away again.

Her arm moved in such a way that caused the hatch to creak, and somehow that was enough to alert him to her presence.

Chat Noir turned, and the spell that was existence was smothered by his infectiously happy look of seeing her.

“Greetings, Princess!” Chat greeted, leaning against his baton as he gave her this cocky grin.

Honestly, Marinette was too conflicted with all these thoughts of the dumb model cat boy to deal with this right now. But she knew she could never turn away her partner, even if he was unknowingly making things worse for her. “What brings you here?” she asked, eyebrow raised.

“Can’t I _cat-ch_ up with one of my favorite people in the world?”

“That was terrible,” Marinette said bluntly, thankful that the wind blowing in could reasonably mask her quickly flushing face from the compliment.

He gave a playful snicker. “Really? ‘Cause I find them to be _a-mew-sing._ ”

“Hardy har har,” she said, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms goodnaturedly. “Am I going to have to suffer a bunch of cat puns all night?”

Chat held up his hands in mock defense. “No worries, I’m saving most of my material _fur_ another day.” And then his hands kind of… lowered, a bit. His features softened as his eyes looked askance. “Actually… I just came by to y’know, make sure you're okay?”

Marinette blinked. “Why wouldn't I be?” Of course, there were a lot of reasons why she would be what many would consider “not okay”, but none of which were because of that akuma attack (which she assumed is what he meant).

He shrugged lamely, and holy heck was it like he was out of his costume because that was totally an Adrien mannerism. “I mean… When akumas usually target a specific person, it gets really…” He fumbled with his hands, as if to articulate a specific term. “...Intense,” he settled with.

Marinette furrowed her brow. It wasn't like akumas were _that_ dangerous. To civilians, yeah, and she couldn't fault him for considering her to be _just_ a civilian, but this one was probably one of the least life threatening ones, and if she factored Ladybug out of the equation totally there was no real danger for Marinette to be in.

And if anyone would know that, it was Chat.

“B-But, um,” he stammered, and suddenly Marinette guiltily wondered if her lack of response unnerved him. “You’re obviously fine now! I mean not _obviously_ I wouldn't know but if everything’s fine then so are you! Fine!”

There was something else.

“Hey, Chat?”

“Y-Yeah?”

“Why are you really here?”

The way he froze up on the spot instantly made Marinette feel guilty for pressing. And when he stayed frozen, she knew she had to do something else.

She moved a step down from the trap door, beckoning for Chat to follow. “Would you like to come inside?” she asked, the first thing to come to her mind. “It’s, um, raining pretty hard, you might catch a cold?”

He snapped out of his state, blinking incredulously at her. “Uh, sure!”

She climbed down off of her bed, heading over to the trapdoor to downstairs while she heard Chat adjust himself wherever he was. “Don’t be too loud,” she warned, looking back to see that he had settled himself in one of her rolling chairs. “I don't want to have to explain to my parents why I have one of Paris’s superheroes soaking wet in my room.”

He held his hands up in mock defeat. “No worries here, you’ll find that this cat was made for stealth.”

She snorted silently. Only he could do away with any sort of tension with his cat bit. “Just sit tight, I’ll get us some cocoa.”

His ears perked up (which would always be one of the weirdest things about him, the way his cat ears would actually _react)_. “You’d do that for a poor kitty?”

She wanted to go for a snarky comment but found herself saying, “Why _wouldn't_ I?”

Apparently he wasn't expecting such an honest response either, as he just dumbly stared with a soft, “Oh.”

Not having any sort of response for that, Marinette left the room.

She took careful steps down the stairs, knowing it was pitch black and they creaked easily, and she didn’t want her parents to wake up to a) loud stair noises or b) their daughter flopped to the ground after a very embarrassing fall, both scenarios likely leading to the discovery of a superhero that really shouldn’t be in a civilian’s house in the wee hours of night.

Fortunately, neither of those scenarios occurred, much to the lucky bug’s delight as she trekked her way into the kitchen.

Tikki fluttered out carefully once Marinette had started making the cocoa. “Are you okay with this, Marinette?” she whispered.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

At that, Tikki just gave her a flat look.

“It’s going to be okay, Tikki,” she sighed, taking a deep breath. “You were right; I have to deal with this sooner than later.”

“Do you think you’re ready?”

Marinette just kept stirring the pitcher of cocoa. “I know I am.”

In a flash, Tikki floated up, nuzzling Marinette’s cheek. “I’m proud of you, Marinette.”

She cupped her hands over the kwami in appreciation.

Once Marinette had poured two mugs of cocoa, she made the trek back upstairs to her room. Opening the trapdoor, she saw the cat boy staring off in some direction. The room was too dark to make out what it was exactly, and her eyes had not yet readjusted to the lack of light.

“I’m back,” she announced.

She saw his body turn towards her, his green eyes piercing through the darkness and her heart. “I was beginning to worry!”

Marinette snorted, maneuvering her way through the darkness to place a mug into his hands. “Oh please, making cocoa takes a bit of time, you know.”

“I suppose so.”

From the way he held himself, Marinette could tell he was wanting to say something more, probably so as to answer her question before about why he really came here. As her eyes adjusted to the dark more, she was almost certain that was the case.

He said nothing else, however, so Marinette took that as a cue to head over to her rolling chair. Before she could sit down, he broke the silence.

“So… Adrien Agreste, huh?”

Marinette nearly dropped her mug. Cautiously, she turned to him and asked, “What about him?”

“Seems to me like you’ve got a lot of posters of him.”

Oh.

She turned, following his gaze to all the posters she had never been able to take down and blushed profusely.

_Oh._

“A-And?” she stammered, refusing to meet his gaze. Oh god what if _this_ was what really made him hate her would he just think she was a freak what if he wanted nothing more to do with her oh god oh _god oh god oh--_

“Does the Princess have a _crush?”_

She had never been more happy to hear his voice being smarmy like that. Granted, she knew it was a long _long shot_ for him to reciprocate _Marinette’s_ feelings for him, but at least he wasn't running away in disgust. That was good, right?

Marinette gave an entirely unconvincing scoff, hoping that a light tone was the way to take this. “Pfft, whaaaa, me? Noooooo, totally not, don’t be ridiculous!” She crossed her arms, back still turned to him.

“The room doesn't lie,” he responded, his tone sing-songy at the ‘lie'.

“And what’s it to you, kitty?” She smirked to herself, knowing that he’d totally go full hog on this bit.

“Just curious; you know how we cats get.”

She snickered. “I bet.”

“Still… What’s so great about model boy anyway?”

Oh, many, _many,_ **_many_ ** things, and Marinette turned so she could shoot every amazing thing about model boy right at his own face—

—...and stopped when she _saw him._

It was quick, lasting for maybe just a fraction of a second. But the way his lips quirked just shy of a real smile, and the way his brows furrowed ever so slightly, and the way he held his body with a sort of stiffness, and the way his eyes had this _look_ to them…

She recognized that expression.

It was the expression she had felt on her own face multiple times.

It was pain, pain that was pretending not to exist.

A pain she knew by heart now, ever since she’d tortured herself with a knowledge she had no right of knowing. A pain she could feel every time he saw her as anything better than what she really was.

As she stared at his now neutral face, she was hit with a sudden pang of empathy.

Adrien loved Ladybug, even though Marinette felt it was loving only an image of her.

Was… was that what he felt right now?

Did he think Marinette’s feelings for Adrien were _just_ for the image, and not for the person behind it? Did he think that the friendship they had, the bond they shared was that _shallow?_

That was _ridiculous_! she immediately thought.

And then: _I’m a giant idiot._

Of course he loved Ladybug. Of course he loved _all_ of her, her strengths and her flaws and all. He’d love Marinette just as unconditionally as she loved Chat Noir. Why had she been so _blind?_

“Where do I start?” she finally said, swallowing the dryness in her throat as she tried keeping her eyes trained on Chat. “Adrien… he’s just… _amazing._ ”

“So I’ve been told,” she heard Chat mumbled under his breath.

Marinette’s frowned. “You don't know him like I do.” Technically true. “There’s… a lot to be said about him.”

“I doubt most of it’s about _him_ ,” he sighed bitterly, and she _knows_ that bitterness isn't directed at anyone but himself. “I mean, you can get a lot from ‘rich model kid’ you know.”

After a moment of deliberation, Marinette broke her gaze to focus on the window, the streaks of rain racing down the glass. She hoped it’d help her get her point across.

“I used to hate him, you know,” she said, and from the corner of her eye she could see Chat stiffen. “When the school year started, I just thought he was some snobby rich kid who thought he was better than everyone else. Like Chloe, you know? I mean, Chloe was raving _all_ about this Adrien kid, and honestly any friend of Chloe’s I just didn't trust.”

She gave a soft snort. “I thought he put gum on my seat. Crazy, right? For the rest of the day I just kept ignoring him. I thought things would be better if we just didn't interact in anyway whatsoever.”

The rain was so lovely. It really reminded her of that moment that changed her life.

Chat’s voice was dry when he prompted,  “...And then?”

“And then I realized how _wrong_ I was. He, he _explained_ himself, and he sounded so _so_ genuine and honest and, and he gave me his _umbrella_ and it closed on me and oh, oh my gosh that _laugh_ it was such a _wonderful laugh_.”

Marinette took a breath, realizing that she was rambling. “It was the first time I ever heard him laugh. A real, actual laugh of joy and happiness and just sheer _goodness._ I, _I_ want to be able to make him laugh like that again. I want to see him _truly happy_. I just...”

She wrung her hands together, and in a soft but resolute tone, she said, “I want to be there for him, even if he can’t know it.”

There was a long beat of silence, but Marinette resisted the urge to just look back at him, knowing that if she saw something bad it would _break her._

Chat’s voice was soft, almost… deflated, even. Resigned to whatever it was he thought. “...You really like him, don't you?”

Marinette nodded, eye still focused on her hands. “He’s so… _kind,_ Chat. He’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. He does _so much_ for everyone even when everyone expects _so much_ of him and he’s so selfless that he puts everyone else’s needs before his own even though I _know_ it bothers him.”

She lifted her gaze back to the window, the rain consistent in its downpour outside. “Adrien is one of the kindest people I know. And… and I haven't been that good a friend to him. I always thought he was living _,_ breathing perfection, not because of what he does but because of who he _is._ And, and that still wasn't fair to him. It’s not fair that someone he might consider a friend fawns all over him and won't treat him like a _person,_ when he _deserves_ to have a friend that can just make _him_ happy.”

“What about _your_ happiness?” he insisted suddenly. “Why would you spend all this time worrying about his happiness when it’s affecting your own?”

Tikki’s words echoed in her mind.

_Even at the cost of your own happiness?_

Finally, Marinette had her answer.

“We all deserve it. And if it means he can feel like he’s worth the _world_ to someone, that he knows there are people out there who truly care about him… then, I’m happy.” That was all she could really do for him, after all.

She waited for… for _something._ Whatever it was, there was nothing more to say until she got _some_ sort of reaction from him, some sort of answer that would determine what their relationship would be. So she waited patiently.

“...Do you love him?”

Her heart skipped a beat, but her words did not. “With all of my heart.”

“Then…” She heard his audible swallow. “Then why haven't you ever told him?”

“Believe me, I tried,” she snorted. “And every time I tried, something would happen that kept him from knowing how I felt. Not to mention how I’d always foam at the mouth around him. I swear it’s like whenever I see that boy, my brain just shuts off.” She gave a soft chuckle that died down immediately. “I guess that’s not really fair to him. Letting my dumb feelings get in the way of having an actual friendship with him.”

“Your feelings aren't dumb, Marinette,” Chat said instantly, and _oh_ how that compassionate voice of his made her heart swell. “You can't help the way you feel.”

“Maybe,” she admitted with a sigh. She drew her knees in, resting her chin on her crossed arms. “But still… For the longest time, I never really knew _why_ I couldn’t just, just _tell him._ I know if I just tried hard enough, I could’ve told him despite everything else trying to stop me, you know? But I guess the real reason here is that I’m just… scared.”

“Scared?”

“That it’ll change things. That when he finally knows, it’ll make things different, maybe so different that I can’t even be there for him as a friend. That he’ll... hate me.”

Chat spluttered. “No way! I-he could _never_ hate you!”

“I know that _now_ ,” she said, and a genuine chuckle escaped her lips. “I think I’ve spent so much time putting myself in his shoes to see how _I’d_ react that I never stopped to think about what _he’d_ think. Still, I mean, as much as I think about it, as much as I _know_ it’ll be okay in the end, I still feel like throwing up every time I think of that possibility. It’s like my brain knows what’s up, but my gut’s wanting to bail.”

Marinette rested her cheek on her arms, staring back out at the rain streaked window, which had long since been rendered opaque by the amount of water. “It’s just… how are you supposed to keep going when your whole world is rocked upside down? When everything you know is wrong, and you’re too scared to go forward because you want to go _back_ to what’s normal and what’s in your safety zone, but you still feel like you have to see it through to the end, because you’re already in too deep and staying at that spot of not knowing feels worse than moving forward?”

She finally looked back towards him, and she was met with the sight of a leather clad boy staring at her with an indecisive gaze.

“I… know how that feels,” he finally said. “The first day of public school--the day after I got my Miraculous, actually, I thought I knew exactly how to deal with it. That everything was going to play out like in my animes--” At this, Marinette didn't even try to suppress an amused snort. “--and I was going to make all these friends, and just have something _better_ than I did before. But then, everything just kept going wrong.”

“Wrong?” Marinette prompted, having a feeling that she knew where this was going.

He nodded, eyes trained on the floor and body language sheepishly tense. “I accidentally got on someone’s bad side. Like, really bad. And it kind of hurt, because she seemed like a really awesome person. I mean, not everyone can stand up to Chloe like that, y’know? I couldn’t, anyway. I probably would’ve been way more impressed if it wasn’t directed at me.”

She just nodded thoughtfully, deciding not to call him out on his Chloe slip.

“But still, the first new person I met and she just _hated_ me, and I’m pretty sure everyone else was fixing to do that too. It just… I dunno, I guess I just felt like it would’ve been better to go back to where I was before. Where all I had to worry about was making sure I was on top of my private studies and that my father was happy.”

“That doesn't sound like a better option,” Marinette murmured, moreso to herself than anything. She thought about what would happen if Adrien actually went through with that, what kind of direction both their lives would have taken if they only had that one gum seat encounter and ended all of their interactions there. With Marinette hating him and Adrien spending his life even sadder and lonelier.

The thought made her feel sick inside. Maybe it was unhealthy to think so, but she really couldn’t imagine not having him in her life.

“It really wasn't,” Chat agreed. “But back then, I was stuck in that awful place, where I’d either let everyone hate me and suffer in silence or go back to before, except feeling even _worse_ , because then I’d just be proving to my father that he was _right_ , that perfect little model boy wasn't ready to have a normal life.”

He drew in a breath, sighing in past misery. “I… really didn't know what to do.”

Marinette stayed silent for a moment, unsure of how to answer. “...What happened, then? What changed?”

“I made friends,” he said, a small but ever sincere smile gracing his lips. “Real, actual friends. Ni-uh, I mean, the first one, he took the time to hear me out when I explained that all I _had_ for a friend was Chloe, and then whoa, suddenly he was my friend! And, and it felt so _good_ , that I had people I could rely on, people that actually _cared_ about me. It was… It was _amazing_.”

She saw tears. Chat was crying, but his smile was no less radiant.

He ran the back of his gloves against his cheek, wiping away the trail of tears. “And as good as that was, the girl still hated me, and I didn't know what to do until my new friend told me that as long as I told her the truth, everything would be fine.”

“Because nothing was going to get better if you just stayed silent, right?” Marinette concluded.

“Exactly,” he nodded. “So… that’s what I did. I told her the truth.”

“A-And?” she ventured, needing to hear his definitive thoughts.

Chat Noir looked up, right into Marinette’s eyes.

“I made a friend.”

His voice was soft, his eyes were warm, and there was a sincerity in all of him that was as much Chat’s honesty and Adrien’s kindness.

“A really, really good one,” he finished.

Marinette’s heart swelled.

She really was an idiot.

Marinette knew in that moment that nothing could break their bond, whatever that bond may be. She had him and he had her and that was _enough._

After a week of torturing herself over a life changing discovery, Marinette finally knew what to do.

“Adrien,” she said, her hands clasped over her purse. “I have something to show you.”

**Author's Note:**

> This took so long to write oh my
> 
> So, yeah. I wrote this as a character study of sorts. Basically, I wanted to develop and deconstruct the classic tropes in Miraculous fanfics while also trying to stay true to characterizations. Honestly, I'm not exactly happy with this, but I did the best I could. Hope you enjoyed!!


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